# What Not to Say to a Friend With a Disability

Canonical: https://pinnacleblooms.org/ask/what-should-i-not-say-to-a-friend-who-has-a-disability
Publisher: Pinnacle Blooms Network / Bharath Healthcare Laboratories Private Limited

The kindest approach is to treat a friend with a disability the way you'd want to be treated: don't make their disability their whole identity, don't ask very personal questions or help without asking first, and always speak to them directly. When unsure, just ask if they'd like any help. AbilityScore® is part of Pinnacle’s developmental assessment. Diagnosis, where needed, requires an appropriately qualified healthcare professional.

*A good friend isn't someone who says the perfect thing — it's someone who keeps showing up, listens, and treats you like *you*.*

## In short
The kindest rule is simple: talk to your friend the way you'd want to be talked to. Try not to say things that make their disability the *only* thing about them, ask very personal questions, or speak as if they can't hear or decide for themselves. When you're unsure, it's always okay to just ask, "Do you want any help, or are you good?"

## Things that are best not to say
- **"What's wrong with you?"** — Nothing is *wrong* with your friend. If you're curious, ask kindly, like "Can I ask about your wheelchair?" — and accept it if they don't feel like answering.
- **"You're so brave / so inspiring"** for everyday things like coming to school. Doing normal life isn't a superpower — it can feel like you're surprised they can do anything at all.
- **"But you don't even look disabled."** Many disabilities you can't see. This makes friends feel they have to *prove* it.
- **Speaking to someone else instead of them** — like asking their parent or helper "What does *he* want?" Talk to your friend directly.
- **Helping without asking first** — grabbing a wheelchair or finishing their sentences. Ask: "Want a hand?" and wait for the answer.
- **Using disability words as insults** (like calling things "lame" or "dumb"). Even as a joke, it can sting.

## What to do instead
Ask about their favourite game, show, or food — the stuff you'd ask anyone. Be patient if they take longer to talk or move. And if you ever say the wrong thing, a simple "Sorry, my bad" and carrying on is exactly right. Real friendship is built on hanging out, not on saying flawless things.

## The Pinnacle way
A clinical AbilityScore® and any diagnosis are formed only at a Pinnacle Blooms Network centre, under qualified clinician care — never from an app or a label a friend gives themselves. If you'd like to understand more about how your friend's strengths and support are mapped, see [how the AbilityScore® works](/ask/what-is-the-abilityscore-and-how-is-it-calculated), explore ways friends communicate through [speech and language support](/speech-therapy), or start at our [home page](/) to learn more.

## Trusted sources
WHO guidance on disability and inclusion (who.int); American Academy of Pediatrics family guidance on friendship and inclusion (healthychildren.org); ASHA guidance on respectful communication (asha.org).

**Next step —** Want to be a great friend? Learn how communication support helps your friend shine — [explore speech & language therapy](/speech-therapy).

This is general information, not a diagnosis — individual assessment and diagnosis require an appropriately qualified healthcare professional.

## Sources
- WHO — Disability and inclusion: https://www.who.int/health-topics/disability
- AAP HealthyChildren — Friendship & inclusion: https://www.healthychildren.org
- ASHA — Respectful communication: https://www.asha.org